Turning Twenty-One...

Not me turning 21, obviously: I've been there and done that a good 13 years ago.

Nope -- but today is 21 years since the day that has done more to change my life more than any other since I first showed up on this planet...

June 26, 1987 -- Durham, North Carolina -- Duke University -- East Campus.
It's the end of the first week of summer camp at TIP (Talent Identification Program: 3-week academic summer camp, a.k.a. "nerd camp" in fond memory). After a week of immersion in Japanese--practicing my hiragana and katakana, learning my numbers and moving from wakarimasen to (at least skoshi) wakarimas'--I'm ready to relax and check out the afternoon/evening activity I've seen advertised on posters around the dorm: a James Bond Film Festival...

I head on over to the lounge of a neighboring dorm, Giles -- it's early, the films haven't started yet -- and nab a space on a couch. Two other TIPsters--two boys--sit on another couch across from me. We strike up a conversation, talk about comic books: we don't read the same ones (since I came to comics via Japanimation/anime [specifically Robotech--as the name Miriya may reveal to those who know!--and its adaptation by Comico] rather than on the superhero superhighway), but I invite them to come by and borrow my issues of Elementals if they like.

One of the boys turns out to be a TIPster I'd seen at Duke's Marine Lab the previous summer (though it takes me a little while to remember why he looked familiar!). And the other one?

Reader, I married him.

Not right away, of course--we were 13 and 14!--but from that day on we became an important part of each other's lives...and before long, the most important. (M. was a good deal ahead of me in this department: I may often have gotten credit for being precocious in other subjects, but it took me a while longer than it did for him to come to this particular realization.)

So today our relationship reaches the legal drinking age for the U.S. of A.
I'll gladly raise a toast to that milestone.
L'chaim!

That Thing On My Head, and On My Shoulders Too!

Ok, so it's not my watermelon kippah (I'll try to get you a shot of that later--this one I actually borrowed from Mike, b/c it went so nicely with the green in my skirt & rest of outfit) -- but this is a shot of me tying the final knots of the tzitzit on my new British tallit (material from Shepherd's Bush Market, with thanks to Liza for fabric choice help & sewing machine assistance; tzitzit by mail from Jerusalem the Golden in Golders' Green; handsewing with needles & thread from Boswell's here in Oxford + some burgundy thread from Liza's London sewingbox; debuted at Oxford women's tefillah in March)...

thanks also to Rabbi Chuck Feinberg for confirming for me that I had no shaatnez issues to worry about with it :)

Why are you wearing that on your head?

or,

Girl in a Watermelon Kippah
(if you can still call me a girl... do I even still count as a "young woman," here in my [early] mid-30s? I guess it's all relative: A. had just been calling herself "middle-aged," and then the Good Rabbi refers to us as "2 young Jewesses" ;) )

Standing in line for Oxford Literary Festival tickets at the marquee (that's Big Ol Tent for us Americans) yesterday, wondering how long it would take to get up to the front and get things done --

and suddenly a voice booms out from behind me:

Why are you wearing that on your head?
You're not Jewish!
And you're not male!

I turn to see a bushy-bearded (grey, and unkempt literati-beard rather than frummy-Ortho-beard) fellow, bald of pate and blue of eye, interrogating me.

ohhh kayyyy:

I am Jewish,
and no, I'm not male,
but it's my custom to wear it.

I've never heard of such a thing!
I've never seen a woman wearing a skullcap!
(quite loud, a little pushy/aggressive, but more astonished than aggrieved)

Women do, in the progressive movements -- you'll certainly see it in Reform, Liberal, Conservative & Masorti, Reconstructionist. It's true that there aren't so many women who aren't clergy who wear one all the time -- but I'm not clergy, and it's my custom to wear one, and I do know a few other laypeople who are women who do the same. But if you go into a non-Orthodox shul in the States you'll be very likely to see women wearing kippot, and also tallitot -- which I also wear in synagogue. I actually started wearing a kippah on Shabbat & holidays here in Oxford, when I became more involved & observant, because that was the custom of my friend Lisa, now Rabbi Doctor Lisa Grushcow...

You don't look Jewish!
Well, I am Jewish. Jews look all kinds of ways...

I'm Jewish! And people tell me I don't look Jewish!
Then they have a rather narrow view of what "looks Jewish" -- good thing that there are people like me and you to show them otherwise!

So you're not "taking the piss," then?
[Brit-speak for mocking/making fun of something]
No, I'm wearing this kippah because it's my custom, my minhag, to do so. Just like it is for some men.

I've never seen such a thing. These people, who are mostly goyim--
you're Gentiles, right?
--have you ever seen a woman wearing a skullcap before?

[The 20+ folks in line, who probably are mostly Gentiles & mostly Brits, decline to participate in BeardMan's straw poll. In fact, they mostly do not look at him and try to disengage from the situation, other than occasionally giving me sympathetic and somewhat amused looks, since I seem not to be minding his attempt to make me a subject of public debate and/or spectacle.]

Well, now they--and you-- have!
My name's Rebecca--what's yours?

Rebecca what?
Rebecca B----.

What?
B----. It's from my father's -- non-Jewish -- side of the family.

Ah-ha! So you're not purely Jewish!
Not all of my family background is, no -- but I'm Jewish.
Your name is?

David Diamond.
[takes my hand and kisses it]

A woman wearing a skullcap!
Yep. Nice to meet you!
[he kisses my hand again]

Two Young Jew(esse)s

This blogpost title may ring parodic echoes in the ears of some of you who survived the 80s and 2 Live Crew, especially if you encountered 2 Live Jews and "Oy! It's So Humid!"

...but it's the translation of the phrase used to describe me & Avielah ( 2 yehudiyot ts'iyrot) in a note that the Nice Rabbi at the Great Synagogue near Marble Arch left for the Israeli security guard there, when he let us dump our bags there for an hour or so 'til Mr. Security Guard would be back and be able to let us in to see the synagogue....which we had wandered up & down the neighborhood seeking& not finding for about half an hour. (He also recommended that we spend the intervening time at the Wallace Collection, which was fantastic! Go Rabbi Rosenfeld!) But if we'd gotten there any earlier, we wouldn't have caught him just going out the door & thus been able to leave my Monster Suitcase (carrying stuff from/for 5 days in Paris + 4 days in London) there while we ran about & picnicked on kosher goodies from Golders Green and whatnot!

I also love that the note has 3 exclamation points after the all-purpose Hebrew expression "b'seder" (okay) -- rough translation =

Oded:
I had these suitcases brought in;
they belong to 2 young Jew(esse)s*.
Okay!!!
Lionel (signed in English, though the rest is Hebrew)

*Because all nouns have gender in Hebrew, our feminine gender is already indicated -- as it is not with the word "Jew" in contemporary English. We don't use the word "Jewess" any more (at least in a non-humorous/archaizing context), but somehow it feels appropriately British & old-school here...

Well, these 2 Young Jew(esse)s had a terrific time, catching up on all that's gone in in our Jewy Geek-Girl lives since last we met, talking about our Jewy/nerdly/adorable (all of the above)Significant Others and their work (or play)... can't wait to see her again soon!

If you're in London on Sunday 6 April, you can learn from her about cool scribal stuff :) when she gives the 4th annual Vivian Solomon Lecture at Southgate and District Reform Synagogue on "Mishpachat Avraham: Seeing Our Origins through the Lens of the Alefbet."

Whan That Aprille...

or,

And I'm back again, said Nora
(with a monumental crash)

Never fear, fair readers, MiriyaB is here!

A very happy Whan That Aprille month to you all!

I suppose I am among the folk who longen to go on pilgrimages, since I am headed to the Holy Land in 10 days' time... and thence to Budapest, arriving on St. George's Day
(seems appropriate for our English sojourn, though of course he's not that English) !

See ya 'round!

Absent thee from felicity awhile...

There have been Many Days of No Work (2 days of Rosh Hashanah; Shabbat; Yom Kippur) and More On the Way (2 days at the start of Sukkot; Shabbat; Shemini Atzeret & Simchat Torah) -- and I have Things I Must Do. (As with the invocation of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I find it wiser to omit direct reference to The Overwhelming Object...)

Hence my blog silence.
I have even sworn off visiting one of my favorite online communities, letting them know that I must absent me from felicity a while...

So in the meantime I will leave you with the words of someone else: a d'var torah given by Cantor David Lipp at Adath Jeshurun in Louisville, KY, where we celebrated the 10th anniversary of our aufruf on the 13th of Av 5767 (28 July 2007) --

They Ask: Is God, Too, Lonely?

When God scooped up a handful of dust,

And spit on it, and molded the shape of man,

And blew a breath into it and told it to walk --

That was a great day.

And did God do this because He was lonely?

Did God say to Himself he must have company

And therefore He would make man to walk the earth

And set apart churches for speech and song with God?

These are questions.

They are scrawled in old caves.

They are painted in tall cathedrals.

There are men and women so lonely they believe

God, too, is lonely.

I don’t necessarily buy into Sandburg’s vision of God but I think he has a point -- we often project onto an ultimately mysterious God a super-human version of our own desires, needs, and illusions. Sandburg also knows that there are important questions, questions we’d like to ask God if we could.

One of the ways in which we project our needs onto God is through our liturgy. We take our holy text and expropriate verses, paragraphs, even phrases and mold them into an anthology of thoughts and prayers. This parasha is rife with such excerpt material -- taking out the Torah on Simchat Torah, responding to the gabbai’s opening call for an aliyah, the end of the first paragraph of the Aleinu, the Sh’ma, the question of the wise son and the answer to the one who knows not how to ask, the song we sing when we raise the Torah.

But if the prayer book is Rorshach test of our collective theology writ large, the way we deal with Theodicy is likely to be far more revealing in our projections of ourselves onto the notion of God’s justice or lack thereof. Theodicy is the difficulty that many religious traditions face in explaining the following paradox: If God is Good, Omniscient & Omnipotent, how come there’s evil in the world, or, more succinctly, Why do bad things happen to good people?

I know that Harold Kushner has written an entire book about it and, I hate to ruin the end if you haven’t already read it, but his bottom line solution is that God isn’t really omnipotent. If you believe that, then at least your intellectual problem is solved and there is no paradox. If you disagree with Kushner on this point, then we still have a problem.

I’d like us to look at just two verses near the end of the parasha which speak to the issue of Theodicy and also explore the way some of the rabbinic commentators deal with it.

Page 1031 verse 9 and especially 10. READ. It seems on first reading quite clear that God destroys those who reject the Divine and does so immediately. From a verse like this comes such expressions as ‘Will I get struck by lightning for doing this?’

I decided to watch the first installment of Saving Grace, the new TV show with Holly Hunter as a cop with all sorts of vices and an atheistic streak. When her angel is a guy named Earl who chews tobacco, she’s more than a little skeptical. Even when he’s proven beyond much doubt that she’s experiencing the divine, giving her a chance to ‘save’ herself, she confronts him with the whole Theodicy issue. She doesn’t use such fancy language but makes her point clear. Earl says, and I paraphrase, ‘If I answered all that there’d be no room for faith.’ Again, God’s mystery rules.

I hate to say it, but Holly Hunter isn’t the only one for whom that answer just doesn’t cut it -- it didn’t cut it for the rabbis either, let alone Carl Sandburg.

The Gaon Saadia, perhaps the most laconic of the commentators tells us quite simply that God means what it seems that God says -- the evil doer will DIE. The only problem with this explanation is it leaves us with the notion that anyone who dies young does so because God was angry with them, that they deserved it. I find it highly unlikely that any who have died young have been worse than some of the animals masquerading as human beings who have lasted into old or even middle age: Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin, Adolph Hitler, to name just a few. A more sophisticated explanation will have to be found.

According to Rashbam, Rashi’s grandson, who was known as a p’shat-man, a commentator who tried to discern the contextual meaning of the text without a great amount of exegesis, understands this verse to go hand in hand with a similar statement in Exodus and repeated earlier in our parasha as part of the restatement of the Ten Commandments -- reminding us that God remembers goodness to the 1000th generation but sins only to the 4th. So we still benefit from the good things our biblical progenitors did but only suffer from the sins our great grandparents committed.

In other words, if we are suffering needlessly, it could still be left over punishment from parents, grandparents or great-grandparents and not our own bad behavior. Alternately, someone who is irretrievably evil may have had reasonably good ancestors whose good deeds helped overcome his or her horrific actions and the reward for those deeds lasts longer so it could be any combination of their ancestors over the past 40,000 years.

This seems a little easier to digest but still leaves one with a somewhat bad taste in the mouth. The notion that I should suffer because of my parents’ flaws even though I may have overcome them seems particularly unfair. Similarly, the fact that my great- great- great-grandfather was a saint shouldn’t shield me from punishment for those acts which have truly hurt others.

Chizkuni

answers as follows: Children only suffer from the sins of the ancestors if they also continue sinning in like fashion. If they overcome those urges, they are not punished. Perhaps, if I could restate Chizkuni, someone who has had to overcome the nature and nurture of really horrific parents has already suffered in the process and will not suffer likewise being punished externally by God.

But this seems like an intellectual cop-out. If I’m only held liable for my parents’ sins if I sin too, then why bother saying it? Simply say that everyone is guilty for their own misdeeds.

That leads us to Ibn Ezra. Unlike Rashbam who equates these verses with the Exodus version, Ibn Ezra reads it as a Godly revision. Before God said: I’ll reward for 1000 generations and punish only 4; but now God says: only the guilty will suffer immediately, whereas the children will be spared any punishment -- Lo Y’acher -- no later punishment. In this, Ibn Ezra understands this Deuteronomic passage as a foreshadowing of what Ezekiel and Jeremiah will say later -- that God will no longer punish children for the sins of their fathers.

The official Aramaic translation of the Torah, Onkelos, and Rashi indicate a move away from a this-world orientation. Until now, we’ve only looked at how accounts could be settled in the land of the living. All the examples above seem to fail in some way the following test: ‘Do the evil suffer & the good prosper in this world according to their actions?’

Rashi and Onkelos enlarge the playing field of the argument -- the evil get the reward of whatever good they do in this world whereas all the punishment they deserve is saved up for the world to come. The good, on the other hand, are punished for what little evil they do in this world & the reward for their good is saved up for the world to come.

According to this view, if you’re on easy street, perhaps you’re benefiting from the one time you did something nice for someone. But wait until you die -- in the afterlife you’ll have one hell of a cleansing in purgatory for all the bad you did. If you’re suffering terribly, on the other hand, it’s probably because once you raised your voice slightly to your mother when she asked you to clear the table. All of your goodness is being stored up for a big payoff in the Monte Carlo of Olam Haba; that’s when you cash in your mitzvah chips.

It sounds ingenius except for one thing. This too doesn’t seem to meet the truth of the world. Not all prosperous people are nasty and not all poor people are saints.

Ramban, Nachmanides, has an explanation. God has patience for the evil in this world for three reasons:

They might do teshuvah.

They might perform mitzvot which will offset their evil deeds.

They may have children who will be Tzaddikim: Good children are worth the bargain of putting up with an evil person for now.

Their punishment will be performed, according to Nachmanides, as a part of the reincarnation process, similar to the view of Rashi.

Although I don’t buy into this after-life theological inverse reckoning system completely, it has the benefit of acknowledging the observed reality of the here-and-now and aims to reconcile God’s Goodness, Omnipotence & Omniscience.

Which leads me to the two final explanations which I think are as close as any to begin to explain what is clearly a mystery. Whereas Kushner paraphrases God’s speech to Job from the whirlwind as: "You think running the universe is easy? You try it sometime. How can I possibly control the evil of the world? All I can do is weep with you." In a sense he interprets the statement as one of resignation, defeat, a proverbial throwing up of the hands.

On the other hand if you accept the whirlwind speech in what seems to be its contextual meaning, that God’s actions are mysterious and incomprehensible from a human perspective, similar to Earl’s statement from Saving Grace, then you are left still wondering about that mystery.

There are those who believe it is sacrilegious to even question the mystery, to delve into it. When we hear bad news we’re supposed to say Baruch attah hashem Dayan Ha-emet -- praised are You the True Judge. Whatever happened, You allowed it and only you get the final judgment.

But even the chassidim, who said this prayer, understood kabbalistically the notion of Tzimtzum, contraction.

Because if you think the paradox of Theodicy is hard, it’s nothing compared to the battle between Omniscience and human Free Will. If God knows all, including the future, how can we really have free will? The answer of Tzimtzum is that God, in order to allow the creation of the universe and free will, intentionally contracts the Divine power and knowledge so that it can be created and our free will to act will not be a farce.

And so I’d like to share the words of a Christian writer, quoted in Louis Jacobs’ Jewish Theology, John Hick, who comes closest to articulating a modern notion of tzimtzum:

"...A world in which rewards and punishments were justly apportioned to our deeds, our moral natures could never have occasion to develop; and a world in which the ultimate constructive use of adversity was an established scientific fact would not function as a vale of soul-making."

So how do we understand this verse from Deuteronomy? I suppose the destruction that God presents in the verse for those who hate the Blessed One can be interpreted in many ways -- an inner destruction, a destruction of the ability to hook into a community of assistance in time of need, a destruction of the good which comes from connecting oneself to a stream of a tradition of depth and temporal expanse leaving us thirsty for the well of 1000 generations of good.

I started with one American poet and I’d like to conclude with another and his more pithy statement on our topic. This one might have been articulated by Holly Hunter in her new role on Saving Grace to Earl the Angel.

Robert Frost in his Cluster of Faith writes:

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee

And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

Shabbat Shalom.

Repeat after me: "I am not dying"

[dispatches from the Late Unpleasantness last Thursday night/Friday morning, written while it was going on...]

That wasn't how I'd planned to start my next entry, but the chest pain that woke me at 5:30ish (when I'd gone to bed around 4a.m.) and wouldn't let me go back to sleep or do anything else had other ideas. Have never felt anything like heartburn this severe before, don't like it at all: chest pain is bad! And yes, I know that Occam's razor would suggest that we attribute it to heartburn rather than to heart problem, but when chest tightness & pain/burning can be a symptom also of something Very Bad, and you are awakened in the middle of the night by it and it won't stop, it doesn't make you happy or not alarmed. Hence the need to tell yourself: "I am not dying. I am not dying. I will be okay. I will be okay." And then try to work to make it okay...

Of course there were no Tums or anything else to be had in the house: ran out months ago, but I only ever feel any need for then once every few months, so they're not on my regular agenda or noticed so much by me.

Oh, and by the way, my glasses had been missing since sometime last night, which didn't exactly facilitate the search for possible home heartburn remedies:

• online (not so useful: most sites = about preventing heartburn, or seeming totally flaky and untrustworthy, or contradicted by other sites)
• baking soda (which I'd at least heard of before & made sense, but could not find in our kitchen -- at least not w/my glasses off...but I'm not even 100% sure we have some right now)
• milk (some sites said yes helpful, some said no -- but in any case we didn't hae an normal milk, just soy, but I had a glass anyway, figuring it couldn't hurt)
• seltzer water (nothing recommended it, but I thought that folks sometime drank seltzer to aid digestion, like a ready-mixed Alka-Seltzer?)
• ancient tiny pepto-bismol-like pink chewable tablet in the tiny pocket in the depths of my backpack (has probably been there for at least 2 or 3 years, but it by itself = unlikely to be much help)

So since none of this was helping, and I couldn't lie back down and go back to sleep (most sites frown on the prone position for the former & discomfort wouldn't let me do the latter), I set about to find my glasses (without which I would be foolish to leave the house, let alone drive the car!) and set off for the 24-hr CVS pharmacy to get some over-the-counter stuff to deal with the situation.

They say that sleep deprivation makes you as bad a driver as drinking. I'm sure I believe it, but I didn't want to walk alone the 10-15 min each way to the CVS at 6a.m. -- figured I would just be very careful, cautious, and that the light traffic at this hour would help. Made it there and back without incident, though definitely feel woozy and somewhat coordination/response-time impaired. Talked to pharmacist: she asked a few questions (e.g. abt do I have high blood pressure, or do relatives, etc.) recommended going on the hypothesis that it's the less serious/more common thing first (heartburn, notheart problem) and taking some Pepcid and also Tums.

So I have returned safely and done both (took the Tums right then & there at the CVS counter, in fact).

[Friday, 6:51 a.m.]

...

Definitely not dying (hooray!) -- no more so than usual, anyway

Feeling considerably better -- not perfect, but better. Slept some from 7ish to 8:50ish -- Mike came down, found me on the couch, told me it was 10 to 9, and I thought I'd better call my doctor to see if I could see her. Finally managed to get through to someone useful (after the answering service--I guess the office doesn't open until 9:15?, the receptionist, the nurse's voicemail, etc.) around 9:30, when they said "She's going on vacation next week, so if you want to see her you'd better come in now" -- and I said "I'll be there in 10 minutes." And I was.

Now I get to learn all about acid reflux and why all the things I like to eat or drink may trigger it (grrrr, oh well! really put a crimp in our Shabbat menu, since every other ingredient was something that was a bad idea)...

[Friday, 1:53 p.m.]